THE DICTATOR - REVIEW

Sacha Baron Cohen in a Larry Charles film about how Americans are assholes playing a stereotype douche with funny hair and a dodgy accent?

I've gotta see this!

...again.

Yes it's that time again where the man dons a silly costume and sets out to effortlessly offend the entire planet. And you know what? The formula still (mostly) works! I'm doubtful that the team will ever reach the highs of Borat again, Bruno was already a step down, but this middle ground isn't too unpleasant so roll on with The Dictator.

This time, Cohen is dictator Aladeen, leader of made-up North African country Wadiya: he's got an impossible accent, a LOT of pubic hair, Megan Fox as only one of his many celebrity prostitutes, an anti-Jew Wii game, the list goes on. Nothing terribly new so far but it's a character we haven't seen before and he is more than appropriately goofy to stand proudly alongside Cohen's other creations.

The film sees Aladeen showing up in New York, where he is betrayed by right-hand man Ben Kingsley who replaces him with a double (a genius character himself) in order to sort out a deal with China which would bring some kind of democracy to Wadiya. Poor and beardless, Aladeen is taken in by Anna Faris' feminist health-food store owner, he falls for her and plots his revenge.

Familiarity-aside, The Dictator does succeed where Ali G Indahouse failed: it works as a comedy without aiming for a documentary-style look. It also manages to be genuinely quite funny in places. Oh it's completely hit-and-miss with 50% of the gags falling flat but when it works, it works really well. After all, Charlie Chaplin's The Great Dictator was hardly a laugh-a-minute affair but occasionally flashes of genius would make it all worthwhile. This is kinda like that but, of course, Cohen is no Chaplin so on a lesser level. It's a decent satire and a good comedy just... not great.

Overall, The Dictator is on a par with Bruno, perhaps even a little better, but it's no Borat. Occasionally it gets pretty lolgasmic but a lot of the time you'll just be wishing Anna Faris wasn't there and making up better jokes in your head.

Fun but no classic.

THE SPY WHO LOVED ME - REVIEW

Having never been a fan of Roger Moore's take on Bond, I have to say that, with the exception of Live And Let Die, I barely remembered the likes of The Spy Who Loved Me or For Your Eyes Only. So revisiting those was a bit of a must.

The Spy Who Loved Me is Moore's fourth movie and as such lacks the oomph and general quality of the first couple of outings but it does fit into the pre-Moonraker category not only literally (it IS just before Moonraker :P) but also in terms of it being before Moore's films started getting really, groaningly ridiculous. This one sees Bond face a nutty villain with an underwater/overwater lair who enjoys sending people through an elevator down to a shark-infested pool of death Team America's Kim Jong Il-style. 007 is joined by Russian Agent XXX who is played not by Vin Diesel but Barbara Bach, queen of B movies and... whatever Caveman was meant to be. Sadly, she really is the weakest link in this movie performance-wise making her character kinda hard to really take to, even with those gratuitously skimpy outfits.

It's the villains that really make this movie with Curt Jurgens' Karl Stromberg a man whose plan it is to destroy the entire world in order to start a new world... under the sea.

UNDER. THE. SEA.

Now THAT's what I call a megalomaniac!

Who wants to live under the sea?! EVERYTHING is on land! And it's crazy-wet down there... Besides, he's gonna need people to build this idiotic-ass dream, way more people than however many live in his big spider-shaped lair, so killing everyone doesn't strike me as the best move. I also wonder why he didn't just buy an island or something and just build his "Atlantis" around it straight-away instead of breaking our balls with his missiles and shit. Like, try out a small Atlantis before building the real thing? There are so many things wrong with that plan it's actually too much fun to list them all so I'll spare ya. The Spy Who Loved Me is also the first appearance of Jaws (Richard Kiel), the henchman to end all henchmen: a very, very tall dude with metal teeth and a very limited vocabulary. He plays out a lot like a vampire, weirdly enough, biting people's necks to kill them, and often gets outsmarted by Bond but in the end Jaws is an undefeatable force even a shark couldn't stop.

The film itself is ok, its third act feeling a tad too long but otherwise it's unlikely you'll get too bored with this one. I mean, not much happens plot-wise when you think about it but the villains really make it worthwhile and Moore does well despite the corny one-liners, silly ski-suits, bad bluescreen effects and clunky fight scenes. He is given a fun car/submarine to play with, the film does build-up to a decent climax which at least feels big in scale and the score is disco-rrific: the most 70's you'll ever hear that Bond theme. I like it. Oh, I should also mention Carly Simon's chillaxed theme which is fine in itself but makes a bit of a soporific Bond song, add to that silhouetted 007s on trampolines in the background and you've got yourself one random opening title sequence.

Overall, The Spy Who Loved Me may be one of Moore's less memorable titles but definitely not one of his worst. It actually has a lot going for it and if it weren't for its few flaws it could have really stood out as one of his best. As it stands, though, this is a fun little Bond flick that simply shouldn't be taken too seriously and should just be enjoyed for what it is: the last decent one before Moonraker (the next decent one after that being A View To A Kill, a million years later).

Silly and dated but not bad.

THE DARK KNIGHT RISES - CATWOMAN POSTER

The Bat. The Cat. The Poster.

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE - REVIEW

Who knew that one day they would make a movie out of one of my very own childhood wet dreams?

That's crazy! :O

Well, with the success of (most of) Marvel's comic-book to movie adaptations, it was pretty inevitable that a humongous crossover would one day be attempted. The studio had, after all, been building up to it over the past few years, testing their own capabilities every time and thankfully the result is, I'm happy to report, one huge, overwhelming epic which doesn't disappoint entertainment-wise and raises the bar for any superhero flicks that'll follow. The run-up to the film was hardly flawless with The Hulk going through 2 make-overs (and 2 ok-ish movies) before Mark Ruffalo (easily the best choice) snapped the role and Iron Man 2 not getting the best reviews despite being loads of fun. Potential further helpers Spider-Man and The Fantastic Four crashed and burned before the big project, the former going for a reboot (out this Summer) and the latter just... being simply godawful from the start.

Joss Whedon therefore leads a huge cast in this huge epic full of huge characters which so many kids have been picturing themselves as (and adults dressing up as) since they were 3. Chris Evans plays it straight once again as Steve Rogers (Captain America, duh), as does Chris Hemsworth's fancy-talkin' magical Norse God Thor and both do really well to stay true to their characters and respective franchises while Robert Downey Jr. does his Tony Stark/Iron Man schtick as well as ever and Scarlett Johansson vastly improves her take on the Black Widow, so one-dimensional (and kinda lame) in Iron Man 2. It's a great bunch and everyone really goes for it which makes the whole thing feel a little more human and interesting. Imagine if Transformers had good characters... I know!

But how does the film fare? After all, this is basically one big-ass experiment.

The good news is: it works. Meshing those very different characters together proves to be what the film excels at, crazily enough. You really feel like these guys are a proper team working towards something bigger than their own egos and/or personal issues. I guess you rarely feel like any of them are in real danger seeing as all of them are up for continuing their respective franchises and killing any of them would be a shock to the system but there are some nifty surprises here and there. Each character gets their chance to shine whether it's Tony Stark doing wonders with robot-bracelets (lol), The Hulk beating Loki (a decidedly hammy Tom Hiddleston) senseless or Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner) putting his badass bow to work. Whedon knows what makes each character awesome and he exploits that to the max.

So far so good.

What really makes the film, though, is seeing these guys in action during both the air-fight halfway through the movie and the big battle which makes up the entire second half. It is a monumental spectacle and will leave you drooling in your own popcorn. It really is pure escapism. 20 things are happening at once but somehow you find yourself fully involved in each of them, no matter how absurd. I would say that a bit too long is spent during the air-fight worrying about the S.H.I.E.L.D. plane's status. F*** it, man! This is The Avengers: blow that shit up! I know it's all that's left of their headquarters but I have a couple of liters of Cola I'm trying to suck through a tiny straw here, I require insane amounts of destruction goshdangit! I do like the fact that the airport/boat turns out to be a plane itself: there's something moronically genius about that.

Now comes the bad stuff...

Yes, alas Avengers Assemble is not perfection itself. That was to be expected with such an ambitious endeavor. For one thing, who thought that these set-in-space scenes were a good idea? You know the ones, the movie starts off like that for crying out loud! With Loki chatting to Mr Space Ghoul on top of some plastic-looking asteroid which boasts a staircase with LIGHTBULBS... *uuuuughnnnnnn*... leading up to a very tiny area basically built for pontificating space villains.... it's stupid. Those bits are soooooo rubbish they almost belong in a Power Rangers or Mortal Kombat movie. I kid you not.

Then there's Hiddleston, whose Loki is the very definition of ham. He was fine in Thor but here he doesn't leave much to the imagination performance-wise and goes from scheming and intimidating to "lol-this-guy's-lame" pretty quickly. The villains, as a whole, are altogether disappointing. With a superteam this epic you expected a similar thing for the bad guys. They should have taken a page from the classic Genesis video game: Red Skull, The Sentinels, Juggernaut, Whirlwind, Grim Reaper, the list goes on! We need more and better for the sequel, please. Think: memorable, iconic. ASSEMBLE those villains ffs!

Further nitpicks include the opening 15-20 minutes which include bits from the teasers we've seen time and time again, rubbishy space nonsense, some weird Loki possesses Hawkeye and Stellan Skarsgard subplot and a pretty unimpressive opening altogether. There are also a couple of terribly corny moments including a scene involving Loki making a bunch of, strangely very willing, people to kneel before him and some old man rebelling Spider-Man-New-Yorkers-style before being saved by Captain AMERICA F*** YEAH! It's all very cheesy, as are any moments involving the general public: we basically suck. Let the superfreaks do the talking, please. I should mention also the plot which ends on a bit of a macguffin convenience but hell, I guess it had to end at some point...

To cut a long story short: Avengers Assemble is as big as we expected and the team is as kickass as we expected. The film? Not quite the comic-book movie masterpiece it could have been but still: it definitely ticks all the right boxes mindless entertainment-wise. Besides, the only point of a big team crossover is epic nonsense of monumental guilty pleasure proportions, nothing else, and Joss Whedon has certainly delivered shit-tons of that. Mission accomplished, Avengers.

Marvel-lous, crazy-ass entertainment.

WRATH OF THE TITANS - REVIEW

I knew it!

You remember how ass Clash Of The Titans was? Man, now THAT was one boring-ass blockbuster completely with near-absent 3D, blank characters and a serious lack of imagination. When the trailer for Wrath Of The Titans came out, I was surprised: this actually looked like a film! It looked like they might just have fixed the original film's shortcomings...

And lo and behold: they did!

Wrath Of The Titans is exactly what Clash should have been: a cool, stylish action movie that throws everything at you leaving you feeling all pumped-up, ready to punch an eagle in its stupid face. Non-event Sam Worthington's back but this time he's got a better haircut and a lot more stuff to do so we thankfully get very little of him being essentially a potato from which sounds come out of. The look of the film is much grittier and dustier making the action sequences feel much less like plain CGI fests and more like big, impressive, fuck-off scenes that actually do deserve to be in the movie. More importantly, the film doesn't just build-up to one big Kraken-style battle: it's all good, epic fun from start to finish.

The Gods look much less campy and finally feel like proper characters we care about and don't necessarily want to see crumble into ashes (happens a lot in this one), Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes clearly enjoy themselves much more this time and the way their story arc ends in the final act of the film is just brilliant. Finally, a Titans film feels like a Titans film and isn't afraid to go balls-to-the-wall: great stuff.

Stand-out sequences include a chaotic fight against a snaky creature thingy, Cyclops ass-kickin', the amazing-looking Jenga-style labyrinth and, of course, the final battle which is pure epic delight complete with Pegasus (freakin' Pegasus!) and genius unexpected team-ups. It's just a very satisfying action flick and is far superior to its predecessor in every way. Kudos on fixing the franchise, peeps!

Overall, Wrath Of The Titans can stand proudly next to Immortals as one of the best Greek mythology epics in recent years, it's a thoroughly entertaining, dark, cool movie and more than makes up for Clash Of The Titans which, I guess, is best seen as a patchy trial run before this: the main event.

Badass.

THE WOMAN IN BLACK - REVIEW

As good as it is to see Hammer back in town, so far their movie choices haven't exactly been mind-blowing. The Woman In Black, if the play was anything to go by, seemed like a promising vehicle though. With its moody, dated look, an effective ghost story at its heart and more than just some woman wearing a silly mask (see the play) to scare the bejeesus out of us.

Daniel Radcliffe is our protagonist and heads to the rather unpleasant, reportedly haunted, house in the middle of nowhere. There's also a small town nearby with a bunch of dodgy inhabitants all hiding some sort of big secret which might have something to do with several kids randomly committing suicide around the village. Yes it's pretty standard and very predictable but it's also very Hammer so there was a lot of schlock potential there! These guys practically invented this nonsense, surely this should be a walk in the park for them.

Well, yes and no.

There is a sense throughout The Woman In Black that the filmmakers were very comfortable with that type of film but maybe even too comfortable because the film doesn't come off as effortless in a good way, if you get my drift. It's very by-numbers and besides a constant, genuinely unsettling feeling of isolation, there really isn't anything new or unique here. It's also a very repetitive film with our main character spending the entirety of the movie driving back and forth between the mansion and the village. It gets to a point where him going back to the house is frankly a bit stupid. In The Others, Nicole Kidman staying there despite the spooky goings-on made perfect sense, here it's like he wants to be involved in the scary-ass mayhem and witness it first hand.

Masochistic freak.

Daniel Radcliffe does ok performance-wise, this won't be one of his most memorable ones and I have yet to be convinced that the guy can hold a movie together (he's a rubbish Harry Potter, ok? Leave me alone) but he's fine in this one. The supporting cast is really good and make up a terrific paranoid little town. They do get goofy once in a while but that just makes the film fun, gives it the campy edge it so sorely needed so I can't complain. It's actually a shame the film is so restrained, despite a couple of decent scares it's all very slow, gloomy and sadly a bit dull. The ending is also pretty unsatisfying (they should have watched Drag Me To Hell ffs) and ends the film snoozily with a "twist" you probably saw coming after the opening scene.

On the whole, there are worse films out there, definitely: The Woman In Black isn't bad it's just completely forgettable. There's nothing about it to really grab you with the exception of a couple of jumps here and there. Sleepy Hollow, this is most certainly not...

Yawn.

THE DARK KNIGHT RISES - TV SPOTS

Yet more Batmaney goodness...

AMERICAN REUNION - REVIEW

Some jokes never get old.

Then again some do.

Sadly, the whole American Pie thing started getting old with American Pie: The Wedding, and that was before all those straight-to-DVD ones. So yeah, a reunion I guess could have been a good way to update the franchise a little bit and maybe do something epic with those characters for once...

Unfortunately, studios went for the safer route: American Reunion is the typical comedy sequel with everyone having a bit of a mid-life crisis before all growing up and settling down like good little human puppets. YAWN. Now I suppose they can take comfort in the knowledge that American Reunion is the best American Pie film since the second one but it's a pretty big drop-off in between and with all the cast back for a full-on reunion, they could have put a tad bit more effort into telling some kind of memorable and different story.

You know the drill: everyone shows up, Stifler screws up their lives after a (mildly) crazy week-end, everyone's in deep shit but then they all learn a valuable lesson and it all ends with everyone happily ever after. It's a bullshit safe-ass plot and frankly it's about as disappointing as a sequel plot can get. I mean, can't a mainstream film, for once, let go of it's world-approved morals and be a little... anarchic? Dare I say it even... fun? This cast of goofballs should have gone off-the-rails mad Hangover-style and the "moral" could have been that sometimes there are no morals: life can just be an unpredictable mess of crazy-ass shit and that can be a good thing. Hell, I would have even be happy with a self-parody of American Pie-style teen movies!

Instead, we are left with all-too familiar jokes not delivered particularly well, a cast who tries hard but never fully goes for it and a not-so-fresh teen movie franchise starring a bunch of 40 year-olds...

You've got endless Stifler's mum references, Eugene Levy's dad making Jason Biggs uncomfortable, mentions of Band Camp (wink), cameos (wink wink), boobs (wink wink wink) and a masturbation scene (wink-verdose). I mean, it is kinda nice to see everyone back from Nadia to The Sherminator but it's all so dated. We've seen all this a million times, it was kinda amusing when I was 15 but now it feels like the young me is taunting me, making faces at me and being a bit of a dork. I could just be getting old but I had a blast watching the likes of Hot Tub Time Machine and... American Pie 2, how mature could I really be?

Oh and FYI: smoking joints was controversial in the 50's. This is 2012, I probably have one up my ass RIGHT NOW and I don't even know about it! Welcome to the present, screenwriters!

Thankfully Sean-William Scott's around and the presence of his genius creation Stifler does add a few lols to the proceedings. Plus the film has the good sense not to over-Stif us like The Wedding did and just let the man come in occasionally and be the loveable, despicable dick we all know and love. Fun moments include him getting back at a couple of jerks in a totally not-appropriate and fair way and getting Eugene Levy pissed.

On the whole, yes American Reunion has a couple of funny lines/scenes here and there and, like I said, seeing the entire cast back together has some nostalgic value but it all still feels really old, the humour really failing to catch-up with 2012 and instead settling for a certain lazy blokeyness with a grandpa-approved moral centre we could have frankly done without.

Not the worst but definitely time to Pie-out once and for all.

THE DARK KNIGHT RISES - POSTERS

Ok, I'm rising...

I've risen: chill.

Ok I'm risin', I'm risin'!

Jeez...

ALIEN RESURRECTION - REVIEW

Reviews have sure been harsh with this one. I mean, I never hear anyone mentioning this fourth instalment into the Alien franchise without them groaning under their breath and complaining about how Jean-Pierre Jeunet, the man behind cutesy rom-com Amelie (and much less cutesy Delicatessen) was the wrong choice as director blah blah blah...


Ok, lets make this very clear: Alien Resurrection is by far the silliest, most grotesque Alien movie pre-AVP. It's hard to contest that. I mean, this one goes where no Alien movie has gone before: Crazy Town. You've got clones, gooey Alien birth scenes, basketball, that weird-looking guy from every JP Jeunet film, the not-so-clever premise that a thin sheet of glass could totally contain some 10 foot alien monsters no problem and... 


SPOILERS  


Winona-bot! 


It's all-over-the-place, yes. But boy is it entertaining. A slow but involving build-up leads to the same type of walking-through-dark-corridors scenario Aliens was all about except this time Ripley's a human/alien hybrid clone thingy, Ron Perlman's there and everything's green instead of blue. I mean, I gotta say this is one dumb f***in' plot. You'd think after all that's happened no one would ever want to bring those scary-ass creatures back for ANY reason whatsoever but it turns out we humans get bored and need something to dissect, no matter how terrifying. Similarly, bringing Sigourney Weaver's hero back feels like such a stretch you actually feel like you're inside the studio executives' brains during the whole first act. Within the first 20 minutes we're asked to buy into a LOT of crazy shit...


A LOT of crazy shit... 

Once you do buy into it, though, you gotta admit it's pretty unique! I mean, that scene with the baby monster clones in jars and messed-up Ripley is all kinds of awesome, the Winona twist is pretty cool and the aliens are intimidating to say the least. Oh, also, all sorts of nutty, really funny shit happens: Ron Perlman shoots a normal-sized spider in the face (with a gun lol), some little alien mouth-within-a-mouth fella is used to push a button (clearly one of THE best uses for these mini dudes), a cocooned Brad Dourif starts talking about butterflies, one alien gets sucked into space through its own anus and Ripley flicks some of her own acid blood cum at us. 


What's not to like?!

Fine. I can imagine that if you're looking to watch a serious shit-your-pants badass Alien movie then this is probably not your best bet. Too many lols here to really take anything seriously. To the risk of sounding somewhat controversial, I would say that Alien Resurrection, despite not being the best of the Alien movies, is still one hell of a fun and interesting sci-fi flick in its own right. It's got that special quality that only really great, really random sequels possess where you're not sure where its going and where it's going doesn't really make sense but when it comes down to it: it's somewhere you'd never really expected to get to in the first place. Sure it ends with another alien getting sucked out into space... AGAIN but...

Come on: his anus literally EXPLODES!!! It's amazing.


Best. Ending. Ever. 

Watch it, just think of it more as a messed-up episode for an awesome Alien TV series rather than a sequel to Ridley Scott's quietly brilliant original. It's got some good, some bad, some very bad but tons and tons of lols. You can't go wrong. Well, you can but at least have fun with it.


Now to re-watch Alien 3...